Anyone for a "Make America Great Lakes" Rebranding?

I know, I know! No more Trump, please! But I have a silly side that must be exercised from time to time.

Dear President Trump, Your Hugeness:

Now that we have rightly renamed the Gulf of Mexico the Gulf of America, I would like to call your attention to an equally important rebranding on our northern border. For far too long, we have shared the Great Lakes with Canada. The Canadians, with their woke beliefs, care more about regulation and water quality than sports fishing, and the time has come to set some real boundaries. Tariffs can only go so far. It’s time to relaunch the Great Lakes as the Make America Great Lakes!

Why do we allow Canada to share these majestic bodies of water with us when they show us nothing but hostility by sending us Cold Fronts every year? What has Canada ever given us that’s any good besides Tim Hortons (though “Timbits” are delicious and good value)? The maritime border is not only demeaning but arbitrary and we should own all those lakes because the people who were here before Canada and America were split were called Native AMERICANS, not Native Canadians. That’s because they wanted to be part of a Great country, and they knew this would happen eventually if they behaved. They did not want to become part of a country that no one knows why it even exists.

Just as you turned on the water in California, you should sign an Executive Order that shuts off the water to the Canadian side of the Lakes and Niagara Falls (which might also be renamed something more inspiring like “Interest Rate Falls”) until they agree to let us have all the Make America Great Lakes. We, the undersigned members of the Kwik Stop Militia of the Upper Peninsula, call upon you to immediately rename the Make America Great Lakes to reflect America’s greatness. Here are our suggestions (it’s okay if you don’t give us credit):

Ø Lake Huron becomes Lake Huge

Ø Lake Superior Becomes Lake USA! USA!

Ø Lake Ontario should become Lake ICE to honor those guarding us against invading line cooks and lawn care specialists.

Ø Even though we are used to the word, “Michigan,” it’s way too DEI and both the state and the lake should be renamed “Meme.” This would be the first crypto lake (and State!) in history. I’m sure you could see the potential in that.

Ø Erie means weird or scary, right? Who came up with that? We prefer Lake Trump. Save the best for last, right?

Just a heads up that we plan to head to DC for a July 4^th picnic in Chuck Schumer’s office, and we would love it if you wanted to stop by to say hello to the Boys. We will be serving burgers and freedom fries.

We will follow up soon with our proposal to change Independence Day to your birthday, June 14^th. By the way, I’m a Gemini too, though my birthday is in May. Still, small world, huh?

Loyally Yours,

William (Sparky) Jones, the 4th

President, Kwik Stop Militia of the Upper Peninsula